Grace in its simplest form is “undeserved kindness.” Another way of saying this is kindness towards someone who does not deserve it or who has not earned it. I like the phrase, “Loving the unlovable.” We can easily say, “I don’t deserve to be treated this way,” “I deserve better than this,” or “who do they think they are?”
However, when have you ever thought those phrases and reacted with grace and kindness? Did it result in a positive outcome? Most likely not. Marriages thrive on gracious reactivity. Grace is not saying the other person is right. Grace is not letting the other person off the hook. It is loving someone unconditionally and giving them the benefit of the doubt. Grace is “choosing” to be loving even though you know the other person wronged you.
Everyone struggles with grace. The only person who fully perfected grace was Jesus. What does not demonstrating grace do to a marriage? Not demonstrating grace creates a root of bitterness. When a husband or wife messes up and their spouse does not extend grace to them, they will begin to feel bitter and resentful.
They will feel like they cannot make up for their wrongs. Then they will begin to believe that nothing they do will be good enough. The relationship at that point will spiral out of control and into further disconnection, until one or the other chooses to make a change.
Grace in marriage is not:
Niceness – When you extend grace, you are not necessarily being nice. You are choosing to extend kindness because it is a better method of loving than being nice or angry. Sometimes simply being nice tells the other person that what they did was okay. Niceness can be permissive. Grace is not saying what the other person did was okay.
Apologizing – Extending grace is not apologizing. The person extending grace should not apologize, at least not for the other person’s wrongs. The person is the one had a wrong done to them. If you find yourself apologizing after someone legitimately wronged you, then it is important to reevaluate your motives.
Grace is a choice to love someone, but not take responsibility for someone else’s wrong doing. Intense negative emotions – Extending grace does not involve intense negative emotions. It is very hard to be gracious when angry. A time-out or some distance may be helpful prior to being gracious.
Grace is not aloof – Grace should be intentional. It needs to be thought out. To give grace is not a random choice. Extending grace blindly can backfire. It can feel like a way to just make the problem go away, but that is not the point of grace.
Grace is not settling for less or lowering the bar on standards – When a person extends grace, they are not saying that what happened was okay. They are not saying that the person has the right to violate standards or rules that are set. Grace is not allowing others to trample on your rights.
Grace is not permission to sin – Again, the extension of grace is not saying what the other person did was okay. If something hurt you, it probably was not okay, unless you have unrealistic expectations. However, if you have assessed your boundaries, rights, expectations and emotions, and everything checks out as rational, then you have every right to hold someone accountable to not sin, but grace would be a loving way to give them space to grow and change without a harsh and reaction.
Dallas Willard once said, “Grace is not opposed to effort, it is opposed to earning.” Change is hard, but grace is not allowing someone to not grow and change. In other words, expect the person who hurt you to make an effort, but don’t make them earn your love. God is not asking us to do more to earn salvation.
He is only asking us to be the best we can through effort, knowing that we can never be perfect. Basically, extending grace is a free gift that cannot be earned, but it is not an excuse for the receiver to put off trying to be the best they can be.
