To effectively communicate with your spouse, your conversation should have the following qualities
1) WARM INVITING TONE
You two have to invite each other to talk. Ask “How was your day?”, greet each other with a hug or kiss, call each other by a sweet name such as “Hi love”, be welcoming
2) MORE LISTENING THAN TALKING
Remember a conversation is not just about you. Both of you should give each other time to speak, none dominating the conversations, both should feel heard
3) CARING, NOT INTERROGATIVE QUESTIONS
Questions keep the conversations going. As you ask the questions, be sure you are not coming off as interrogative, suspicious or condescending but that you genuinely want to know more out of care
4) THOUGHTFUL, NOT HARSH ANSWERS
If your spouse asks a question, don’t answer rudely with words such as “How many times do I need to tell you?”, “How dumb can you be?”, “What kind of a question is that?”. Harsh answers will shame your spouse and ruin things
5) NO ASSUMPTIONS
As you talk with your spouse, come with an open mind, don’t talk with pre-conceived conclusions that will keep you from hearing your spouse’s perspective
6) NO STEREOTYPES
Don’t judge your spouse based on gender, educational level, financial status, family background, tribe or by saying words like “People like you don’t get it”
7) NO FEAR OR JUDGEMENT
Assure your spouse that you two can talk about anything no matter how difficult and you won’t over react. That way, your spouse will feel comfortable to open up and talk
8) COURTEOUS WORDS
Use words such as “Thank you”, “Please”, “What are your thoughts on this?”, “Sorry for making you feel like that”. This makes your spouse feel respected. People keep returning back to conversations where they are respected
9) HUMOUR
Humour makes the conversations enjoyable and keeps you two from taking things too personal. Be comfortable with each other
10) NO BRINGING OLD ISSUES
Don’t keep making one step forward and two steps back by bringing past issues in present conversations. It is draining. But also learn to bring things to closure when you two talk about issues instead of leaving them hanging
11) NO INSULTS OR TALKING DOWN AT THE OTHER
Do not insult or abuse each other. Be mature. Keep it civil. This is love, not a fighting match
12) PATIENCE
Do not rush your spouse in conversations. Study your spouse’s pace. Don’t talk in a hurry to achieve a selfish goal, this takes two
13) PHYSICAL TOUCH
When you two are near each other, touch. Hold hands, cuddle, lay on the chest, play with the fingers, stroke the skin; it brings you two closer
14) FORGIVENESS AND APOLOGIES
When you apologize when you wrong, it makes your spouse feel like you care. When you forgive, you make your spouse feel you still want you two to work
15) CONSISTENCY
Don’t just be great at conversations today then lousy tomorrow, don’t be thoughtful only when you want sex. Be consistent .
