1) IMPORTING OUR PARENTS’ IDEOLOGY OF MARRIAGE INTO OUR OWN MARRIAGE
There is absolutely nothing wrong in copying or upholding the marital ideologies of our parents only if they are good, convenient and compatible with our modern marriage. But every couple must know that every marriage is unique and the ideologies of our parents may either be obsolete, wrong or not compatible with our own marriage.
Couples must not necessarily import their parents’ ideologies to their marriage. We can learn good examples from our parents’ marriages but all their ideologies cannot work in our own marriage. Insisting on enforcing an ideology we learned from our parents all because it worked for them is a ground for frustration and pain.
Imagine ideologies like;
“My mum used her bare hands to wash all our clothes and hers, so you don’t need washing machine”.
“My father never entered the kitchen all his life”.
“It’s a man responsibility to take care of ALL the needs of his wife”. Etc.
Check out the ideologies you imported from your parents’ marriage that are chocking your marriage or your spouse and discard them.
2) COMPARING OTHER MARRIAGES WITH YOUR OWN
It is dangerous to compare your marriage with other marriages because the individuals involved in those marriages may not be the same in temperament, ideologies, beliefs, traits, reasonings, understanding etc. Every couple must understudy and understand the uniqueness and peculiarities of their marriage rather than comparing it with others.
Comparing your marriage with other marriages can lead to unhealthy competition and jealousy. Sometimes the marriages you think are better than yours maybe worse. Don’t use one area of success to judge people’s marriage. Someone may be financially comfortable in marriage but may not have peace. Learn to be contented and happy with what you have.
2 Corinthians 10:12
_For we will not make comparison of ourselves with some of those who say good things about themselves: but these, measuring themselves by themselves, and making comparison of themselves with themselves, are not wise.
3) EXPECTING PERFECTION FROM OUR SPOUSE
No man or woman is created perfect. Expecting perfection from our spouse is suicidal. Couples who expect too much from their spouse will always be disappointed and offended. Wise partners give much to their marriage and expect less.
This mistake is made unintentionally most times when we concentrate on the weaknesses and shortcomings of our spouse rather than give attention to appreciating their genuine and efforts and labour to make us happy and give the marriage the best they can.
No marriage has it all, don’t build a mountain around that particular thing your spouse is not doing well, appreciate those things he or she is doing well. No one will ever give you everything you want, your spouse can’t, even God won’t yet we celebrate and appreciate him for things he has done for us.
4) BRINGING ANCIENT TRADITION TO MODERN MARRIAGE
You can’t put new wine inside an old bottle and expect the bottle not to break.
One of the major killers of marital union in this generation is the attempt to import ancient traditions of our ancestors into our marriage. It is wiser to bend traditions than bend our marriages or our spouse. It is better to discard old traditions that would destroy our marriage than hold unto them.
If the negative effects of a tradition is more than the benefits, it is better to have it thrown out. We must not do it the way it is being done. Imagine a tradition that says no man must know the sex of a child before birth. This therefore rules out ultra scan while pregnant. We all know this is an obsolete tradition.
5) TRYING TO CHANGE OUR SPOUSE TO BE LIKE US
Married couples are not meant to change each other but to complement each other. When a talkative marries an introvert, it is God’s design to help a talkative control his/her excesses and help the introvert to come out of his/her shell to a bearable level. You will do more harm than good to your spouse if you try to make him/her be exactly like you. This you may not achieve during your lifetime.
6) CLOSING DOORS AGAINST THIRD PARTIES
Nobody knows it all. We all learn from others daily. Not all third parties are bad. There are third parties who can be your marital angels like counselors, prayer partners, confidants, mentors etc. Any man who does not have anybody to report and be reported to is bound to fail in life. Every couple must have marital mentors they submit to. Someone who can call them to order. It is true that some third parties have done more harm to marriages than good but we can’t stop sleeping because others died in their sleep.
7) BRINGING SINGLEHOOD MENTALITY TO OUR MARRIAGE
It is always difficult for most new couples to easily accept their new status as a married person. They can’t comprehend the fact that marriage will deny them their freedom, regular lifestyle, some friends and relationships. Many men still go out to to viewing centres to watch football matches instead of watching it together with their spouse at home. Some women want to still keep their relationship intact with their unmarried friends after marriage, which is a misplaced priority.
8) TRYING TO AVOID MISUNDERSTANDING AND QUARREL
This does not imply that couples should be looking for trouble where there is none. But it is practically impossible for couples to live together without misunderstanding and quarrel. Trying to totally avoid misunderstanding and quarrel will further cause more of it. It is better to have misunderstanding and sort them out in love than bottle them up.
9) FAILURE TO LIVE AS ONE
When two people are married and still live as separate entities, the divine intention of marriage is defeated. The bible says “And the two shall be one”. One in thought, idea, vision, finance, decision and in everything. Whatsoever that is bringing division and separation between a man and his wife is a marital virus that must be removed fast before it destroys the marriage. What the Lord has joined together, let no man put asunder.
10) WRONG PERSPECTIVES OVER DIVISION OF LABOUR AND SEPARATION OF POWER
The man is the head of the home while the woman is his assistant. The relationship between a man and his wife is not that of a master and a servant; but that of a president and vice president. The woman must not always be the one to do all the house chores. Likewise the man must not always be the one to pay all the family bills if his wife can assist.
Both duties are joint responsibilities. The man as the head of the home gives out instructions, lead by example, manage his home by wisdom and not by coercion. Headship is not synonymous to dictatorship or rulership.
Headship means being in charge, taking responsibility and making things work. Every woman must submit to the authority of her husband and play the role of an adviser and a supporter. The woman is not inferior to the man but subjective to him.
11) EXPECTING YOUR PARTNER TO BE ABLE TO READ YOUR MIND
So many times we expect our spouse to know what we want or what is in our mind without communicating it. This is the cause of many unsolicited problems in marriages today.
We all assume our spouse knows we need a hug or a peg after a hectic day at the work or should know that he will wash the car on his way past the car wash because it’s so obviously dirty. Then we get resentful because our spouse didn’t do what we thought was so evident.
The solution is to be transparent. Give your spouse the information he or she needs, rather than expecting him to know the unknowable. Communication is the key that keeps your marriage functioning, it breaches the gap between intention and actions that are conflicting.
It is wrong to tell your spouse “can’t you see I need water?” Or “can’t you see I am tired and I need rest”.
The right ways to communicate are;
“Please I need water”.
“I am really tired and need rest”.
12) FIGHTING TO WIN
When we do this we blame our spouse for every problem in our marriage and exonerate ourselves. All couples fight, but some do it to find resolutions, and some simply want to vent out the anger and frustrations toward each other. Some do it even worse; they argue to prove that they’re always right and keeping the score between each other; who’s right in the last argument, who’s the loser and who wins this time.
When you’re married, never forget that you’re on the same team with your spouse. Therefore, his loss is yours as well, and vice versa. See all the fighting and arguing as a chance to compromise and clear up any dispute between the two of you.
The partner who always wins the arguments is most times the problem of the marriage. The more you win arguments the more you lose your spouse. Stop winning arguments, start winning your spouse.