We hear it continually… “My husband says he needs his privacy.” …“My wife tells me that she should be allowed to have some things that are private, away from me.”
To that we say, yes, some privacy can be fine within marriage. But these spouses aren’t talking about privacy, they’re talking about secrecy. That’s a whole different issue.
In marriage, secrets are as dangerous as lies. Marriage must be built on a foundation of total transparency and trust. You must prioritize trust and transparency in the marriage ahead of your own personal privacy. Unless you’re planning a surprise party or hiding a holiday gift, there are no places for secrets in marriage.
Anytime you’re having a conversation, making a purchase, sending a text message, doing an internet search or doing anything else you hope your spouse never finds out about, your secrecy is actually an act of infidelity.
SECRECY is when you purposely cover, hide or keep something concealed in order to mislead. Again to go to the dictionary, it’s something that is kept or meant to be kept, unknown or unseen. So for secrecy you are deciding to keep something hidden and purposely cover the real truth… hiding things that one doesn’t want to be seen. Often, this isn’t innocent and the reason for secrecy is to prevent disapproval or conflict.
One hides something in order to keep it going, even when one knows that there will be a problem if it is done openly.
There can be innocent things done secretly (planning surprise parties, self-improvement projects, gift-shopping, or even working out one’s issues). However, there is a problem any time that secrecy involves making another person an ally instead of your spouse.
It’s also true any time that secrecy involves interacting with someone else in a way that would hurt your spouse. And any time that secrecy is done for the sake of concealing dishonesty, there is no doubt it’s a problem.
— “PRIVACY is something you ‘give’ someone out of respect. SECRECY is something you ‘withhold’ from one another.”
— “PRIVACY is when you want to go to the bathroom or pick your nose without your spouse looking —or try to buy them a gift without them knowing. SECRECY is when you feel guilty about something that you can’t tell your spouse.”
— “PRIVACY in marriage is your own personal space. In this, there is trust and respect. The other partner is aware of this space and respects it without intrusion. We all need a little private time to ourselves; otherwise we’d go nuts! SECRECY is destructive in marriage —it’s a lack of trust and respect. This is something the other partner is unaware of, and in essence, it’s a lie.
— PRIVACY is having some quality time or spiritual time alone. SECRECY in a marriage can be a form of deceit.”
— “PRIVACY is the withholding of info concerning yourself, the disclosure of which would be of no benefit to the partner, and which you don’t wish to share. SECRECY, on the other hand, is the withholding of info that may have an effect on the well being of the partner. This effect may be financial, spiritual, physical, or mental. PRIVACY is acceptable. SECRECY is not.”
In marriage, we are told in the Bible to cleave together “as one.” It is troublesome in a marriage to have secret cell phones, usernames and passwords. It’s also problematic when one spouse doesn’t tell the other when he or she meets up, or chats privately with someone else. Secrets are for single people —not for spouses.
In keeping with the vow you made, strive to be as open and upfront with your spouse as it is possible. There should be no room made for secrecy and hiding.