Have you ever felt like love, intimacy, and fun in your marriage was fading away? Although this struggle is tragic, it’s unfortunately not unique. We have seen a startling trend of many marriages facing similar conflicts. Marriages are falling into what we call “the roommate trap.”
The “roommate trap” isn’t like a mousetrap that snaps you in an instant. It’s slow and methodical, like an elaborate maze. Once a couple enters the labyrinth of life’s busyness, they can find themselves wandering around and getting separated.
After a long season of just trying to keep their heads above water, one or both spouses begin to notice that the marriage isn’t what it used to be. They’re no longer best friends and lovers. Laughter no longer filling the home. Physical affection starts to fade away, and they become roommates and nothing more.
Whether you are the spouse suffering in silence with this kind of stagnant marriage, or you are the spouse that wants to be proactive in keeping your marriage from slipping into the “roommate trap,” i want to encourage you. There is hope, and you can pursue the health of your marriage—maybe as you have never before.
When you’re struggling in your marriage or feeling alone and isolated, it’s easy to want to assign blame to the other spouse. It’s also easy to blame yourself. Neither of those options is helpful. Instead of blaming, communicate with your spouse about what you’re feeling. Ask your spouse how they are feeling. Start to create some action-oriented steps to bring improvement.
When couples tell me, “Things were so much better back when we were dating.” I usually smile and ask, “Well, then why did you stop dating?” I’m trying to make the point that the dating, romance, and pursuit that happens early in a relationship shouldn’t stop just because a couple marries. Sure, there are practical challenges when kids and bills come along, but there are also beautiful blessings in every season of marriage.
You shouldn’t try to recreate the early days of your marriage because the current days can be even better, but you can start doing some of the positive things you did at the beginning of the relationship to stay connected.
Another powerful way to remain healthy is to pray with your spouse and pray for your spouse. Prayer is one of the most intimate acts a married couple can share. When you pray for your spouse, it changes your perspective about them. It binds you closer to him/her. When you pray with your spouse, it simultaneously brings you closer to God and closer to each other.
No marriage problem is bigger than God, and when you invite the peace of Christ, and the wisdom of the Holy Spirit into your marriage, transformation happens. When you don’t know which way to turn, turn to Jesus, and you’ll be headed in the right direction.
We live in a culture that teaches us to quit the moment something becomes painful or uncomfortable. Many people seem more committed to their diets, their hobbies, or their exercise routines than they are committed to their marriages. When your marriage is in a tight spot, refuse to give up.
Keep fighting for each other and not against each other. You will get through this, and overcoming the struggle will make your marriage even stronger.
