In marriage, there are the WE couples and the ME couples.
The “me” couple operates as two distinct people in marriage. The “me” couple are not really partners. They may love each other; they may be happy enough. But they don’t operate as effectively in love or work as the “we” couple.
The “we” couples are unquestionably a team. You see it in their body language and especially in their speech. And when they have successes or problems they view it as something happening to both of them.
A recent study showed that couples who use pronouns like “we,” “our” and “us” showed less stress and were more positive toward each other. Those found to be less satisfied in their marriages used pronouns like “me,” “I” and “you.” Happy couples often speak in a “we.” As in, “we had a nice time at the feasting” and “we had a major plumbing problem at the house last week.”
The idea is that unconsciously they’ve formed a sense of being a part of a team and life is happening to both of them. These have no fewer problems than anyone else but the way they cope is better. Rather than waste energy blaming each other they see a problem as something they both need to solve. So they divide tasks, brainstorm, resolve and move forward. Life is better when the blame is minimized and the challenge (whatever it may be) is addressed by both people.
Becoming a “we” couple can be as simple as starting to use the word more. Think of things that brought you together and keep you together. Is it being parents, charitable work, common hobbies, a love for sports or the environment… these things may be simple or profound. The next time you’re together talk about the “we” things in conversation.
Reminisce about them. When problems come up, resist the urge to blame, take a deep breath and try to move immediately to problem solving. This movement and restraint is the work of change. It’s worthwhile to make the effort.
Also, be kind to each other and think of your significant other as a partner. Ask for their opinion and their input so that decisions begin to be made together in an atmosphere that doesn’t blame and judge. Judgement causes the team to argue and worse, the partners stop even suggesting ideas for fear that anything they say can and will be used against them.
Build an atmosphere of cooperation by understanding each other and inviting your partner’s thoughts.
