1) Remember who you are – You are a human being. This reality means you make mistakes. You aren’t always right. You probably have made a similar if not the same mistake. In Biblical terms, you are a sinner, as we all are. The Bible says to “take the plank out of your own eye” because we all have faults and need to take responsibility for ourselves first.
2) Humble yourself – Humbleness is remembering that you are no better than anyone else. It’s the ability to not be prideful or arrogant. It’s the ability to look at everything around you and see how truly insignificant you are as compared to the vastness of the universe. By humbling ourselves, we react less intensively because we realize, it’s not about me.
3) It’s not about you, so don’t make it about you! – As mentioned above, it’s not about you because a person is not so important that “everything” is about them. I tend to think that everything someone around me says must be about me. When I take a step back, I realize how irrational and silly that sounds. That might be what some psychologists call paranoia, yet all of us wonder what others think about us. Could it be that when your spouse says something negative, it’s not about you? It’s could be more about her needs or desires for relationship and connection. Choose to see each situation in a broader vision. There is more to this life than little me. You will react in more grace instead of negativity by seeing outside your world.
Attempt to be
4) understanding and listen – Understanding and listening are the two cornerstones to great communication. If you understand and listen to your spouse, you will be able to determine better the meaning of his/her words and actions, resulting in less emotion and increased grace when your partner messes up. You will be able to empathize with them and understand how they feel.
5) Be merciful – Mercy is simply not punishing someone even though they deserve it. As opposed to grace (giving kindness or favor to someone who does not deserve it), mercy tends to allow someone to be gracious. Mercy is withholding and grace is giving. By withholding attacking or withholding yelling at someone because of their faults, a path is cleared for kindness and love to be imparted.
6) Work on forgiveness – Forgiveness in marriage is the ability to choose to not be angry and harbor resentment towards your husband or wife when they hurt you. You are choosing to release your spouse from owing you something in return for the hurt. This does not mean you don’t set healthy, firm boundaries to make sure the hurt does not reoccur. It just means you are not willing to keep being angry and hold onto the hurt so that bitterness does not build up. Don’t let your partner steal your peace. Forgiveness is one way to take back control and keep your peace. Read more about forgiveness in marriage HERE.
7) Know and be known – Knowing your spouse deeply is very important for growing a marriage. It is also important with grace. If you know your spouse, you will understand them and know the reasons they do what they do. You will be less likely to blame and become negative around them. You will be more positive and connected with them. This creates a gracious atmosphere. See Step 4 (Attempt to be understanding and listen). Also, check out John Gottman’s exercises in his book
The 7 Principles for How to Make Marriage Work on Amazon and learn about his first principle of building a healthy marriage (building love maps).
8) Be realistic – Things don’t have to be perfect. Assess your thoughts and your motives. Assess the environment and the situation. If you have intense emotions, stop! Don’t act or react until you have thoroughly assessed each element of that situation. When you are realistic, you are better able to make the right decision, which could lead to a gracious reaction. Also, study your irrational thoughts to help improve your thought process.
9) Find humor – How many times does laughter lighten the mood? Find humor at the moment to disperse any negativity. Negativity clouds judgment and thinking. Grace is easier to extend when negativity is not ruling the moment. I love the moments when my wife and I are having an intense argument or discussion and something makes us laugh and smile at each other.
