He had a deadline to beat in the office, so he came home late when his family was asleep. He went into the kitchen, warmed up his dinner that the wife had cooked. Matoke with beef stew. In a few minutes he was done and went to sleep, exhausted. In the morning, him and his wife got up. After the shower, wearing robes, it was time to prepare for the day.
“You think I am your house help? What is this? How many times must I tell you to never leave utensils unwashed? The wife hurled words to her husband! She continued, I wake up to an unwashed plate in the kitchen sink. Can’t you even wash after you have served yourself the food? Must I always clean up after you? Are you a baby? And you used my favorite plate that I keep for visitors! Cant you even use the many other plates I bought? Agrrrr you’ve ruined my morning. I am so sick of being married to a man who can’t even follow simple instructions” his wife shouted at him as she tried to walk away from him.
“What is this all about?” He asked looking at her surprised!
“What is this all about?” She ridiculed him. “Stop acting like you don’t know? This is about the mess you left in the kitchen last night” “Is this really about the dishes? Are you seriously talking to your husband like this because of a plate?” He asked shocked.
Their six year old child walked in on them in the kitchen.
His wife looked at the child, then sneered at him and said, “We’re getting late. The kids are getting late for school”
He gently grabbed her hand to lead her to the bedroom.
“My love, we need to talk” he told her.
“We don’t have time! You have a deadline, I have an early morning meeting at work. The kids need to get to school. Stop rushing me” she reluctantly said.
“Kids, prepare for school. Mommy and I will have a chat, then join you, have breakfast, then we’ll leave” he told their three children.
“But dad we’ll get late for school” said their first born.
“You’ve never been late. But today, there will be no harm getting to school slightly late. Don’t worry, I will personally talk to your teachers” he said.
“Woop woop! You are the coolest dad” cheered their naughty second born, as he jumped on to the sofa, and tuned on the TV.
The couple walked inside their bedroom and closed the door.
He got her to sit on their bed and he knelt next to her, while placing his hand on her lap.
“We’re getting late” he said with a cold tone.
He rubbed her waist and said, “Shh, it doesn’t matter, this is important.
I don’t want us to get caught up living life that we fail to address issues “So there is an issue?” She asked in amazement.
“Yes, my dirty plate on the sink” he said.
“Don’t worry, I will wash it” she said trying to get up out of the bed.
He pressed her down to make her remain seated.
He looked deep into her eyes as if searching for her soul. For once, she felt naked before him, even though her cloth was on.
“My wife, who hurt you in your past?” He asked.
“What do you mean?” She questioned.
“For the years I have married you, I have noticed you are easily irritable, you have this temper, this bitterness, this fear that erupts out of petty things” he spoke.
“Oh, so you’re saying I am petty? You think my reaction over what you did last night is petty? You think I am petty?” She erupted, sneering at him.
“See what I mean?” He said.
Silence.
“I am not saying you are petty, I am saying you are easily angered. I am saying that your response to my dirty plate was cold and harsh, all you could have done is correct me with love, but instead, you attacked me.You crushed my spirit over a dirty plate! Imagine you fought me over a simple thing like a dirty plate. Why are you this angry?” He continued.
Silence.
“No one is born angry and irritable. Anger, or a hot temper is something we acquire as we live. It is our reaction to the circumstances that push us to fear, defensiveness and confusion. We acquire an angry temperament from our upbringing and the pain we collect along the way. So I want you to look inside you, your past and tell me, when did you start being so angry?”
Silence.
“My love, open up to me. Let me-in, so that i may get into the darkest corners of your past. Show me your scars. Who did this to you? Who introduced you to anger and bitterness? When you open up, you release the pain and healing will start, but when you hide, when you pretend, when you act like you are OK, when you wear a fake smile, and bottle-in things inside you, healing will evade you, and you will take it out on your loved ones. You will find yourself shouting at me and the kids, taking out your frustration on innocent people like me and the kids”
Silence.
“Racism, tribalism, fear, anger or hot temper are taught. All of us are born in the image of God, and then the darkness of life creeps in through events and we become fearful and angry. Who did this to you? Who taught you how to be angry? Who made you feel like you have to fight alone, like no one is on your side?”
She began to cry.
She broke down in tears.
He hugged her. She broke down even more.
“I was raped. I was raped by my cousins. I was just a young girl then” she opened up.
She let him inside her darkest thoughts. Told him of how she was raped, and the abortion she did, when she was just seventeen yrs. She aborted, as she said, because she couldn’t face her parents! She talked about her inner questions about her father, who was 90% absent from home, when she needed a father figure, how she was sexually harassed at work by her boss and no one believed her. She opened up about her fake friends, who were there only to use her until the day she chose to ride solo.
She opened up about how she gave her body to a man who claimed to love her, only for the man to end up cheating on her and making her feel unworthy and not beautiful enough.
She opened up about her struggle with self-esteem, the nights she cried to sleep.
She opened up about how she made mistakes that ended up costing her time, money and peace of mind, and how she struggled with porn and alcohol, while she tried to project an image of a Godly woman, yet she felt God was angry with her.
She opened up about the nights she’d wake up naked in bed with a man she didn’t love, yet the man had taken advantage of her, when she went out to drink last night. This made her wake up from the drunken stupor angry with herself, but already used by a man she barely knew, when she was drunk.
She opened up about the five relationships she got into, thinking they would last, only to end up prematurely, and without warning. The first one she was used and then dumped after the act.
The second one she was physically abused
The third one she was rejected because the man’s parents didn’t approve of her tribe
The fourth one she was cheated on with another woman…..oh, it was her close from he was cheating her with
The fifth one she was dumped the night before her wedding.
She opened up about all her baggage all her past laid bare before her husband, and as a good and godly man, he listened and wiped her tears.
“My love, he said as he wiped her tears, that is a lot for one person to go through. Thank you for opening up to me. It will help me to love you better.
When you open up, you release the burden. I now know better about where you are coming from” he told her.
“I have never told a soul all these things” she said while clinging on to him.
“Darling, If you don’t tell me as your husband, who will you tell? Love is all about sharing your past and its the one you love. Even the bible says, Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results. (James 5:16).
Talking your past, with someone who cares about you like me, and walking with you today, is equivalent to building with you our tomorrow.
Many people think marriage changes things, but actually marriage reveals things. In marriage that is when issues become unearthed.
People use marriage as a cover up thinking it is a magic wand that will change lives. But when marriage is done in honesty, marriage become a place of healing, because where there is love there is healing. With the help of God, the husband told her,” my love will silence your fear
My love will redeem back your views on sex,
My love will tell you clearly, that the men you were with before me, were wrong men, not the right men for you, except me.
I will show you that you are a Queen deserving the best of love. My Love will heal you.
Instead of talking things out on me, let me be love to you.
My love, stop fighting alone, stop fighting your inner wars alone. That was then, this is now. You have me. You are married to a man who has your best interest at heart. No more fear, no more anger. OK?” said he.
She looked at his eyes and said, “I love you. I cannot believe after all the pain I went through, finally God brought me something good and I allow the hangover of my past to make me live with anger in my present”
He kissed her and said, “Healing takes time, but it will happen.
It happens when you stop covering up your pain, but become intentional about it”
“I love you. I love you so much” she said.
“I love you too. We are in this together” he told her.
“Kiss me” she requested.
They kissed. Oh yes, it was a healing kiss.
They prayed together. The healing prayer.
He then helped her to dress up, as she helped him to dress up.
They exchanged some laughs, as they joined their children to take breakfast on the family table, then he drove the kids to school, as he dropped her to work. Along the way, they played cheerful music in the car, and having family fun.
Did you get married without addressing the issues you went through in the past?
Are you married to an angry, bitter, arrogant man, if not woman? is he or she ever and always an angry person?
Don’t take your anger in to your marriage. Look for ways to heal each other. As we said, marriage exposes our vulnerabilities, and with openness to one another, our relationships can be the best on earth, for the glory of God. Let not your anger, bitterness and rage tarnish the relationship you have you and your spouse, or even your children.
Remember, as it’s written, Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.[Matthew 5:9]In your marriage, even if things are not right, seek peaceful ways of solving the issues. Imagine how it would have been, if this husband boiled on this hurting woman with rage…maybe they could have ended in a divorce court but the man is a peacemaker in his marriage and with God’s help, he touched a button the wife has never wanted anyone to touch, about her past life, and at the end, there was a kiss of healing.
You may have married someone with a dark past, and we live in a hurting world, but let your marriage be a place of healing.
Support your spouse in his/her healing process, and that is why the bible says, Two people are better than one, for they can help each other succeed. It continues, If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. (“Ecclesiastes 4:9-10). – By Dayan Masinde.
