As we have learnt in this series, abuse of any kind is not permissible in a relationship. Therefore when you see traces of abuse emerging in your relationship, there are things you need to do. The right action in the right time can prevent a worst outcome of a relationship abuse.
WHILE MARRIED
It is very easy to abandon a non-marital relationship when there is the presence of abuse, but it is not so straightforward when the abuse is happening in a recognized marriage.
Leaving an abusive marriage is not easy because other dynamics come to play including presence of children, shared property, societal stigma and other personal interests.
In the face of abuse in a marriage, these are the best possible approaches to adopt depending on the kind, severity and frequency of the prevailing abuse.
1)Confirm Abuse:
Even though abuse of any kind is condemnable, it is important to actually confirm that you are indeed in abusive relationship. Abuse that happened once cannot make a relationship an abusive relationship. Abusive relationship is one where there is frequent, regular, unprovoked abuse of any kind.
So before you tag your relationship as abusive, be sincere to yourself and ask if you are actually being abused.
2)Quench / stop the sources or triggers of abuse:
Some abuse only exist because they are provoked or triggered. In a marriage when you see an abuse, you must do an honest introspection of yourself to see if you are contributing to the problem. Many abusive partners are created by their wearisome, cantankerous, quarrelsome, fire-stoking partners. Sometimes all it takes for abuse to stop, is to also stop what triggers them.
As we are advising the cat, the mouse must also be advised to avoid using the cat’s mouth as his playground.
3) Get Help:
When you are being abused and your personal internal efforts have not done much to remedy the situation, it is important that you quickly get help by opening up to people who have the know-how to help you.
These may include professional counselors, influential pastors (not all Pastors know how to handle such matters). When available, you can also contact relatives who command the respect of your spouse and are capable of talking “sense” to them without partiality, prejudice or preferential judgements .
When you seek for help when you need it, it doesn’t mean you are weak, it means you are wise
4) Seek Separation:
When abuse continues to persist in a relationship despite have seriously applied the three approaches above, then it calls for a more serious approach – “separation”.
When a couple gets separated, they have not divorced… They are rather going to stay away from each for a period of time until a firm resolution is achieved.
It is not every abuse that calls for immediate divorce; often times when couples are separated, it gives them the opportunity to review the relationship, do introspection, get help for personal weaknesses and other remedial approaches. An abusive relationship today can be a very lovely marriage tomorrow if the right engagements and changes are made during the separation period..
5) Seek Divorce:
As controversial as it may sound, sometimes in an abusive marriage, the best option is to permanently separate from the abusive spouse (divorce).
However, divorce must not be the first option.. It should be the last resort when all other necessary efforts prove futile
The Divorce is not an easy thing to do so it is not the option to pursue over every little challenge in the marriage.
To me, three (3) main things should be considered for divorce in terms of abuse..
The Divorce is not an easy thing to do so it is not the option to pursue over every little challenge in the marriage.
To me, three (3) main things should be considered for divorce in terms of abuse..
A) When life is at stake : When being with a partner puts your life in danger of injury or death, then it is sufficient reason to take a walk. Marriage is important but it is not more important than life.
B) When there is hardened heart: When you come across who has made up his or her mind to abuse you despite all your best efforts and external interventions, then you can seek to get away. A hardened heart is one that is determined to cause harm no matter what. Such people abuse their partners little by little and then upgrade their abuse to fatal proportions.
C) An un-repenting abuser: Some abusers are very conscious of their actions and so quickly come in to apologize or seek forgiveness whenever the abuse is done. But when this becomes a practice, then you should draw the line. Anyone who abuse you and apologizes and yet keeps abusing you to only apologise again will one day send you to your grave and apologize to your family.
True repentance is when someone recognizes their mistakes and make serious efforts not to repeat them again. But if mistakes are to be repeated at will, then apologies don’t even make sense.
