I saw the need to answer this question because a few people have approached me and while telling me about the problems in their relationships, they mention the fights they have, IN PASSING, like it’s nothing. They say it like it ain’t the problem in the relationship.
Let’s start from the beginning. WHAT IS A FIGHT?
From the dictionary, 𝗧𝗼 𝗙𝗶𝗴𝗵𝘁 means 𝑇𝑂 𝐶𝑂𝑁𝑇𝐸𝑁𝐷 𝐸𝐴𝑅𝑁𝐸𝑆𝑇𝐿𝑌, 𝑊𝐼𝑇𝐻 𝐴𝑁 𝐴𝐼𝑀 𝑇𝑂 𝐸𝑉𝐸𝑁𝑇𝑈𝐴𝐿𝐿𝑌 𝐴𝐶𝐻𝐼𝐸𝑉𝐸 𝑆𝑈𝐶𝐶𝐸𝑆𝑆.
So the idea behind a fight is that after the struggle, a winner must emerge, whether it’s a physical fight, spiritual fight, mental or verbal fight. One party will win, at the expense of the other party(ies). Once it’s a fight, we can only have one winner. That’s the principle that guides a fight.
This understanding alone already makes fighting in a relationship a terrible thing! I’ll tell you why:
First of all, because one person emerges as a winner, this automatically leaves the other person defeated and hurt. But in a relationship, you are not supposed to hurt your partner. You are supposed to grow together peacefully, not trade words, or exchange physical blows, in which either or both parties are hurt.
Secondly, by striving to win, it already reveals your selfish intent. It shows you don’t care about the other person as you claim. You only care about coming out as the victor, and you don’t care what happens to the other person. You don’t care if you hurt them or make them sad, just as long as you win. Selfishness in play here.
This is why I would always advise you to deal with your emotional problems before you enter a relationship, so that you don’t initiate fights that will hurt your significant other. If you’re hot-tempered, bitter, selfish, arrogant, wicked, or quarrelsome, stop thinking about getting into a relationship. You have no business being in a relationship. Work on yourself first! Ask God to give you grace to deal with your emotional vices. Don’t carry that mess into a relationship!
The goal in a relationship is to be at peace at all times, and that everybody wins. That’s why you’re a team. Sure you will disagree, because you two are not built exactly with the same kind of material, so you will want different things sometimes, and you will reason a bit differently. But don’t turn it into a fight. Be mature about it. Sit and talk. Be ready to make compromises for the one you love. If there is anything to contend for, let it be who will sacrifice more for the other. That’s how to handle matters with maturity. You’re adults, not children, so address matters with maturity. Don’t aim to hurt; aim to resolve. Let the ultimate goal be PEACE.
Write this down: 𝑰𝒏 𝒂 𝒓𝒆𝒍𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒑, 𝒐𝒓 𝒍𝒊𝒇𝒆 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒎𝒂𝒕𝒕𝒆𝒓, 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒈𝒐𝒂𝒍 𝒊𝒔 𝒏𝒐𝒕 𝒕𝒐 𝒃𝒆 𝒓𝒊𝒈𝒉𝒕; 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒈𝒐𝒂𝒍 𝒊𝒔 𝒕𝒐 𝑩𝑬 𝑨𝑻 𝑷𝑬𝑨𝑪𝑬. 𝑻𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒊𝒔 𝒂 𝒎𝒂𝒕𝒖𝒓𝒆 𝒎𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒂𝒍𝒊𝒕𝒚.
There is no issue that is too difficult to resolve, otherwise you two were not meant to be together in the first place. If you two are meant to be, you would resolve every issue and eventually come on common grounds without hurting one another.
I don’t know where people got the idea that fighting and arguing senselessly makes your relationship stronger. THAT IS A VERY SILLY AND IGNORANT THEORY. People also seem to think that a relationship is not strong enough because a couple doesn’t fight. Again, SILLY AND IGNORANT THEORY.
𝙄𝙣 𝙛𝙖𝙘𝙩, 𝙡𝙚𝙩 𝙢𝙚 𝙘𝙡𝙚𝙖𝙧𝙡𝙮 𝙩𝙚𝙡𝙡 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙨: 𝙄𝙛 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙧𝙚𝙡𝙖𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣𝙨𝙝𝙞𝙥 𝙞𝙨 𝙛𝙞𝙡𝙡𝙚𝙙 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙖𝙧𝙜𝙪𝙢𝙚𝙣𝙩𝙨 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙛𝙞𝙜𝙝𝙩𝙨, 𝙔𝙊𝙐 𝙉𝙀𝙀𝘿 𝙏𝙊 𝘽𝙍𝙀𝘼𝙆 𝙐𝙋! 𝙔𝙤𝙪’𝙧𝙚 𝙣𝙤𝙩 𝙜𝙧𝙤𝙬𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙖𝙡𝙡 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙢𝙚𝙨𝙨 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙘𝙖𝙡𝙡 𝙛𝙞𝙜𝙝𝙩𝙞𝙣𝙜.
I personally plan to run the hundred remaining years of my relationship with my lady, WITHOUT A SINGLE FIGHT OR ARGUMENT. I won’t ever intentionally raise my voice at her, or hurt her. My goal remains to keep her at peace, and settle all issues amicably and peacefully. I will never also put her in a position where she has to raise her voice at me. I will be quick to apologize whether I’m right or wrong, because the ultimate goal is PEACE!
Who is telling you that you have to fight to be stronger as a couple?! That is rubbish! Fighting, apart from being an unrighteous act before God, is just childish and irresponsible. Quit that silly mess!
Don’t be too big to apologize whether you’re right or wrong. Apologies are not reserved for only when you’re wrong. Use it as a tool for peace. Pride is when you think it’s only when you offend that you apologise. An apology doesn’t take anything at all from you. Saying you’re sorry even when you’re not wrong, doesn’t make you a lesser man or woman. It doesn’t make you weak. It in fact reflects your strength, because such an apology is never an easy thing to do, but you do it anyways because your goal is peace. It shows you’re wise and mature. Understand?
If you’re in such a relationship where at some point you stop talking to each other for a while because you’re mad at each other, ESPECIALLY IF IT KEEPS HAPPENING, maybe you aren’t supposed to be in that relationship. It’s not healthy for you mentally and emotionally. Get out of it!
