Nothing compares with the devastation and shock of discovering that one’s spouse is unfaithful. Infidelity leads to feelings of betrayal, mistrust, anger and hurt. Sometimes these feelings are so intense that they seem overwhelming and insurmountable. Desperate words are spoken: “I don’t trust you anymore, how can we stay married?” Or how can you do this to me if you love me? Difficult question, difficult answers.
If you have recently discovered that your spouse has been unfaithful, it is perfectly understandable that you will doubt the viability of your marriage. But it is not conducive to be making clearheaded decisions about the future of your marriage and your family. You can’t accurately judge the viability of your marriage when you vacillate between feeling revengeful, hurt and vulnerable. You may be tempted to work out the door simply to try to relieve the pain. But the truth is, the pain will follow.
Most people assume that affairs signal something lacking in the marriage. Sometimes this is true. When spouses grow very accustomed to each other, they can take each other for granted. They stop flirting, stop giving compliments and stop taking notice. Paramours, on the other hand, are good at doing these things. They make spouses feel attractive, sexual and understood again.
Once the affair is out in the open and each spouse is willing to share honestly about unmet needs, the couple can begin to identity areas needing improvement. Other times, affairs are not the result of bad marriages, Just bad judgement. A one-night fling after too many drinks or an unmediated hop in the sack while on a business trip, while inexcusable, may not indicate a malady in the marriage. However, in either case, trust is destroyed and it must be rebuilt.
Although infidelity causes a crisis in the marriage, it doesn’t necessarily lead to divorce. If you or your spouse is having or has had an affair, the bottom line is that you don’t have to assume your marriage is over. You can rebuild the trust, you can revitalize your marriage. It doesn’t take happen overnight, it isn’t always easy, but many couples renew their commitment to reach other as a result of going through the pain, learning and growing. You can do it too. You really can.
